No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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