can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
