You smell like a Billy Joel song
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
