my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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