Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want her autograph on my taint
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
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There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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