Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
