You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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