what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
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Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
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After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".