you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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