I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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