I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
