its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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