tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize