dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have aggressive nipples.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
