I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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