Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
