I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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