Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
