I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
