the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
