I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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