In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
