How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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