I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
