There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Every concussion has its silver lining
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
