cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
