I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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