my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
