someone threw a dead crab at me
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
A+ Viking dick
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
