I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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