Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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