Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
no more duck duck goose at the bar
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I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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