my mouth tastes like poor choices
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's blow job season.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
