i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
