There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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