I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
whose parrot is this?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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