he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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