I'm going to jail i love you
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
