cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
