Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
