There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
