Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
