I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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