Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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