She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
