Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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