I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
