I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
