He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I want to make a zoo with you.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
