just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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