Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
