Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you would pick up someone in the library
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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