I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
